How Telemarketers Should Work

27 Feb

Conversations with telemarketers are almost always like this.

Jack: Hello?


J: Hello?

Caller (monotone Asian voice): Hello sir I call from Business Debt Management Business Limited UK I speak to Mr. Surname please?

J: He’s not in.

C: Okay I just wanted to speak to him about new debt management service organise all your debt into one easy affordable monthly package pay an amount of pounds for utilisation of debt management package service every month affordable and easy. Can I ask what time to speak to him would be convenient? (loud bangs and gibbering can be heard, occasionally someone shouts)

J: We’re not interested in any of that.

C: But is only nineteen pounds every month and have exclusive free offer of microwave from Phillips Microwave Concern at each purchase of package is worth fifty-five pounds and also debt management package is decrease in price every six month for every five thousand pounds of debt repackaged into package. (At this point you interpret his words only as a series of unusual noises and you idly wipe your upper lip to discover your brain is leaking out of your nose)

J: Nah, sorry, not interested. Could you take this number off your call list, please.

(small indignant pause)

C: Okay sir many thankyous to you goodbye.


This one occurred three minutes ago.

J: Hello?


J: Hello?

C (bored Scouse voice): ‘lo c’n I speak t’Mr. Surname ’bout his ‘nsurance pl’s?

J: He’s not in.

C: ‘kay ‘ll try ‘gain lat’r.

J: Okay.


This conversation lasted all of eight seconds.

Why can’t they all be like that?


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