Aspirations in 2010 But Not Really

15 Jan

This year, I hope to:

Solve the world energy crisis with revolutionary mathematics

Forget the ‘solve-the-world-energy-crisis’ equation after finding a shiny coin

Leap a tall building in a single bound

Beat the Devil at pitch-and-toss

Write a bestselling novel

Have the manuscript to my bestselling novel stolen

Track the thief across the globe, through steaming Panamanian jungle, the dusty underworld of Prague, glitzy Monte Carlo casinos and the barren deserts of Mongolia before finding him in a chip shop five minutes away from my house

Get involved with the mob

Become a police informant

Get ratted on by a secret mole in the police

Fight through a tangled web of betrayals and counter-betrayals before finally confronting and destroying Matt Damon

Shoot the man who ordered my father’s death, before remembering that my father is in fact still alive

Play chess with Nelson Mandela (he’ll win)

Form a crimefighting group with Atomic Kitten, Nick Clegg and The Blob That Ate Everything

Narrowly prevent the Blob from Eating Everything, but in a terrible twist of luck fail to save Atomic Kitten or Nick Clegg

Negotiate peace between Israel and Palestine

Tell the Palestinian president that the Israeli PM had called him a knob goblin and set the whole thing off again

Destroy Wales armed with only some Trebor Strong Mints, a bottle of Pepsi and gross incompetence

Rebuild Wales out of toothpicks and love

Sleep it all off, drunk off my tits under the statue of Brian Clough in Nottingham

Probably, anyway. Well, I don’t have anything else to do, that much is clear.

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