Things They Don’t Teach You At School

18 Feb
  • All the huge, important structures that run the world and govern exactly how you live your life – governments, banks, universities, employers – are, contrary to popular belief, not run by idiots. They are run by highly educated, highly-strung people who mean well. The trouble begins when these people start meeting up in large groups: at work, for example.
  • As soon as you stop being a teenager, and I mean the exact second you turn twenty, you’ll realise why teenagers are collectively considered morons. Luckily, you’ll now be in your twenties, and this is when you start getting into the all really serious brands of idiocy, so don’t feel out of your depth.
  • Some holidays, like Halloween, become less enjoyable as you grow older. Others, like New Year’s Eve and Pancake Day, become exponentially more awesome.
  • You really don’t need to get to the airport three hours in advance – your parents just do it to tire you out so you won’t irritate them on the plane. Invert this in your teenage years by getting obnoxiously drunk on the plane instead.
  • Unless you want to be grilled endlessly about it, don’t tell your mother about your romantic life. Your dad doesn’t care; I asked him. (If you’re a girl, withhold information from both parents. Don’t ask why. Just do it, please?)
  • When travelling long distances, always bring more socks than a person can wear on his hands and feet and face in a month.
  • Many dogs are bastards, but all cats are bastards. Remember this.
  • All the people who picked on you in school become bizarrely amiable after the age of nineteen. Plus, now you’re as big as they are and you can hit them back if you really want to.
  • Yes, sport doesn’t really matter, but that’s why people like it.
  • Making your own food is nowhere near as complex as it looks. Taxes, however, are far more complicated than anything ever should be.
  • You don’t even have to book a holiday that far in advance, despite what your mother will constantly tell you. If you and your mates can get next week off, go to fucking Italy or somewhere – why not?
  • Being spontaneous is exactly as fun as you think it is.
  • The world is ridiculous in ways you cannot fully fathom until you try to open your first bank account, or go on holiday on your own, or have your first job interview.
  • Read more books. You’ll like it.

3 Responses to “Things They Don’t Teach You At School”

  1. Remember me? June 26, 2012 at 8:55 pm #


    • jackproclaim July 2, 2012 at 11:11 pm #


      Holy shit, I can’t believe you still read this! How are you?

      • Remember me? July 6, 2012 at 12:51 am #

        Honestly, I don’t. I was cleaning out my inbox and saw these comment threads from years ago. I decided to stop by. I read some Bill Bryson like you suggested. How have you been?

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