April Quickie: Psychonavigation

9 Apr

I had a fucking crazy dream last night. Normally I’d never tell anyone about my dreams because, well, other people’s dreams are incredibly dull. This one, though, was the kind of dream you wake up from and immediately scribble down the details of, because it’s too weird to just forget.

In my dream, I was talking to two of my friends at a bar in town that we frequent. We were sitting on a long couch and one of them asked me what I’d been up to. I told them that my day had been incredibly boring and that I could tell them the story of my day, which was entirely true, or I could tell them an exciting story which was completely made up. Unsurprisingly, they went for the fictional tale. What followed was a bizarre fable which conclusively proves that I read too much old literature, and possibly that I have a condition known as ‘soggy brain’.

I began by saying that I’d spent the morning with a botanist friend of mine, Pearson, a Victorian gentleman with a monocle and some frankly awesome muttonchops. I continued:

“We had decided to take the cactus extract drug ayahuasca, which is well known for its psychotropic properties. Amazon shamans use it to speak to their dead, so we decided to explore that netherworld to see what we could find.”

At this point, the action shifted from the bar to the story I was telling. Myself and Pearson sat on the floor of my bedroom having taken this odd drug, and were suddenly flung through a black tunnel-vortex-job to find ourselves standing in a forest at night. None of the trees had leaves, and on each was carved a word. I inspected the tree closest to me and saw, as if it had been stamped into the tree with some giant pneumatic brand, the name J. BROWN. The next tree had R. JAMES, and it was a while before I started to sense a pattern emerging.

“Each of the trees was marked, improbably, with the name of a seventies Funk musician. As we journeyed through the mists, we came upon a clearing and there laid eyes on a terrible beast, having three huge legs equidistant from each other, joined at the top by a large triangular canopy, and having three baleful eyes above each leg and a terrible mouth on the underside of the canopy. “

The thing we saw was exactly as described, but infinitely more creepy. It looked like it was made out of some kind of solidified resin, and as soon as it saw us, it began loping towards us in a way that was simultaneously hilarious and terrifying.

“As we fled the dreadly beast, I lost sight of my companion and ran headlong into a tree.”

I vividly remember using the word ‘dreadly’ in my running commentary. I assume it’s a mix of dreadful and deadly, which this resin-thing certainly was.

“Upon striking the tree I suddenly awoke, half-naked in my bedroom. My companion was gone, and had left only one sign to mark his passing – a brief sketch of the monster, and a taxonomic classification. He had named it, after himself, ‘Pearson’s Gazebo’. And that’s it.”

I don’t remember any of the rest of it.

I can say with absolute certainty that it was the most profoundly strange dream I have ever had. To recap, it was:

  • A story within a story – I didn’t even know this happened in dreams.
  • Incredibly vivid
  • Like something out of a fucking Bill Bailey routine
  • Unusually short
  • Partly true – ayahuasca is a real drug, it turns out (though not a cactus extract) and Amazon people really do use it. The odd thing is that I don’t remember reading about the drug before the dream, even though I must have picked up the word somewhere. On the other hand, my memory is absolutely shit anyway, so there you go.

I’m not sure of the point of this blog post. It was just really weird. Incidentally, while I’ll understand completely if you choose never to read this hellish blog again, I may turn the ‘April Quickie’ thing into a semi-VEDA challenge.

I’m aware I’ve missed nine days of April. Shaddap.


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