The Old Ways – Games

23 May

Recently I’ve been filled with a desire to record the teenage and young adult years of my life, in order that I don’t forget them. My memory, for no real reason I can discern at this point, has become absolutely terrible of late. I can barely remember what I had for breakfast, never mind what I did a year ago, so I feel the need to get some of my youthful antics down onto paper. Internet paper.

The thing, however, is this: my teenage years, like most people’s teenage years, were partly a blinding holocaust of mad discovery and partly a hellish wasteland of apathy, so I’m cherry-picking the good bits in the hope that when I’m fifty, I can tell my son all the stuff I used to get up to when I was a young scallywag (which, interestingly, your mother knows absolutely nothing about, so keep schtum).

The games of my youth:


Can be played at any social function, preferably informal. You will need: at least four friends, functional hands, a healthy disregard for others, and the ability to run away very quickly should things go downhill.

Tit Cricket is, at its heart, a game about groping people. Despite this, it’s less about lechery and more about how audaciously a person can go on without being taken out back and beaten into a small red puddle. The key is to act with stealth, guile and a liberal amount of bare-faced cheek. To play, gather your friends in any open space within a busy bar, and make sure that everyone’s watching when an innings is taken. To take your innings, walk about the bar and attempt to nudge, tap, or otherwise make physical contact with, the breasts of any girl you get your eye on. Runs are scored in the following way – one run is awarded for a brief nudge or brush-past, two are awarded for a light but more overt touch, four for a single-handed grab and six for a double-handed grab. Runs are only awarded if the rest of the group bears witness to them, and an innings ends when the player returns to the group. After each player has made his innings, the player with the most runs is the winner.

The beauty of Tit Cricket is that it accomodates for several different play-styles. In a busy establishment, a player who prefers a low-key approach can score ten or more runs simply by brushing past girls on his way to, and back from, the bar. Players of a more overtly audacious bent may very well get a couple of double-handed grabs in if he can flirt well enough with the right kind of girl. Runs can be scored in any imaginative way the player comes up with. Double runs are awarded if a run is scored on a girl who is standing with a man who is demonstrably her boyfriend. Take note, however, that such men are often unsympathetic as to the aim of the game and may respond negatively to a hapless player. Any player who manages to placate the boyfriend, whether by talking his way out of it, slipping away silently, or besting him in physical violence, automatically has his runs tripled at the end of the innings. By the same token, any player who recieves a slap from a girl he’s trying to score a run on is out and must return immediately to the group.

Ladies, if you feel you’re being unfairly objectified, fear not – turnabout is absolutely fair play. Girls can feel free to play the distaff counterpart of Tit Cricket, which involves grabbing the tackle of whichever men you get your eye on. Cock Snooker is not only easier to play, given that men usually don’t mind having their wangs grabbed by girls, but can be far funnier to watch, especially if the men involved are drunk enough that they don’t have a clue what’s happening.


Can be played at small social gatherings. You will need: a table, a pack of cards, at least eight people, a great deal of drink, and a lack of interest as to whether you will be still alive in the morning.

The preferred pastime of stupid teenagers at house parties, Ring of Fire is one of the classic drinking games. It’s easy to play and very easy to lose. There are no winners.

Take a pack of playing cards and spread them in a circle, face down, on a table. Put an empty pint glass inside the circle and make sure everyone has a drink with them. Moving clockwise, each player picks up a card until the deck is depleted. Each card has a different event associated with it, as listed below:

  • 2-6, RED – Nominate any player to drink a number of fingers equal to the value on the card.
  • 2-6, BLACK – You drink a number of fingers equal to the value on the card.
  • 7 – Toilet card. Only players in possession of a 7 are allowed to use the bathroom, and a 7 can only be used once.
  • 8 – Question Master. If a player with this card asks a question and another person answers, the answerer has to drink. Once the game picks up, the Question Master becomes the bane of the game. Simple inquiries like “What time is it?” and “Is it my turn?” can ruin your blood-brain barrier for good. If another player picks up an 8, they become the new Question Master.
  • 9 – Pose Master. A player with this card can strike a pose at any time, which every other player has to copy. The last player to copy the pose has to drink. If another player picks up a 9, they become the new Pose Master.
  • 10 – Categories. On picking up this card, the player must think of a category of things – say, “brands of beer” or “countries in Africa” – and, moving clockwise, every player must name an object in the category until someone stutters or takes too long to think, at which point Categories ends and the losing player drinks.
  • JACK – Rules Card. A player who picks up this card can create a game rule which lasts until someone else picks up a jack. The more imaginative, the better – anything from “no eye contact” to “nobody gets referred to by their surname” to “when I say ‘GANDHI!’, everyone falls on the floor”. Any player who breaks the rule has to drink.
  • QUEEN – Waterfall. When this card is picked up, everyone begins drinking continuously at the same time. The player who picked up the card can finish drinking whenever he likes, but the person to his left can only stop after he does, and the person to his left can only stop after that person does, and so on throughout the group. Essentially, the person to the right of whoever picked up the queen is fucked.
  • KING – Dirty Pint. The person who picks up this card pours a quarter of his drink into the empty pint glass in the middle of the card circle. The poor bastard who picks up the last king has to drink it.
  • ACE – Designate any person, including yourself, to drink one finger.

Ring of Fire is best played at the beginning of a house party in order that, by the end, you’re so drunk that you don’t care about drinking a pint glass full of Heineken, Advocaat, Rose and White Lightning.


Best undertaken in a private residence with nobody around who might think you’re insane or engaging in some bizarre suicide pact. You will need: at least four people, an Imperial gallon of milk each, a table to sit around, a functioning video camera, and several buckets. I assure you that you will definitely need the buckets.

The base of the Milk Challenge is this: you have to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. If you go over the time limit, you lose. If you vomit, you lose. If you drink the alloted amount of milk within the time limit without spewing – well, you’ll spew eventually, so really you still lose. The only winners are the people who watch the video on Youtube afterwards.

A game of endurance, gastro-intestinal fortitude and suicidal disregard for one’s own health, The Milk Challenge is something everyone must do at least one, just to say they’ve done it. There are no rules other than those listed above. You absolutely must film it or there’s no point. Despite the discomfort you may feel at the time, you should take satisfaction in the fact that you have taken part in one of the most hilarious and disgusting feats a group of friends can undertake. (Optional rule: the person who ‘wins’ is swaddled in a sheet-cape, lifted up on a chair by the other contestants and is proclaimed to be the ‘Milk King’. The other contestants shake him up and down on the chair until he vomits all over them. See what I mean about the video camera, and the buckets?)


Can be played any time you like, as long as you’re among a group of people who trust and tolerate you. For reasons that will become apparent, only men can play.

Casual Lefty is inarguably the most bizarre game on this list, and is also an experience that will leave a terrible and permanent scar on your psyche. You should be sure to only play this game if you’re among friends who won’t mind suddenly witnessing your most intimate organs swaying gently in the breeze. Put simply, the aim of Casual Lefty is to get one of your balls out and keep it out until someone sees it.

I don’t want to write about this any more.


One Response to “The Old Ways – Games”

  1. laubrau May 24, 2010 at 10:36 am #

    You are a admirably depraved young man.

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