Rhymes Inappropriate for Children

28 May

Inspired by Shawna’s poem, ‘Shellfish’:

“Rosie has a shellfish,
A pretty little shellfish,
Of cream, and pink, and blue,
A little purple, too.

Rosie’s little shellfish
Is manic and so selfish,
It wants to eat her brain.
Nummy, nummy brain.”

It got me thinking. What deeply weird rhymes would I sing to my kids?

Unsurprisingly, mine are a little bit more, well… dark.

Mary’s Lamb

Any disturbing variation on the ‘Mary had a little lamb’ rhyme, like:

Mary had a little lamb.
It went to eat some grass.
But the grass was poisoned with cyanide,
And it died.


Mary had a little lamb.
It went to broker peace between the Israeli and Palestinian states.
But it became lost within an inscrutable maze of religious incompatibility, political intrigue and the ever-present desire to respond to violence with further violence, and it became disillusioned and wandered the Middle East for several years, eventually living full-time inside a small underground bar in Jerusalem, where it descended into depression and alcoholism for an inexact but somewhat lengthy time period before, while drunkenly stumbling about the Mahane Yehuda early one morning, it was captured by an opportunistic Kosher butcher who needed to fill his larder with fresh fare for the upcoming Pesach observance,
And it died.

And was eaten.

Hush Little Baby (Edited for Real Life)

Hush little baby, don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don’t sing,
Daddy’s gonna buy you another thing.
And if that other thing doesn’t suit,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a pair of boots.
And if that pair of boots is too small,
Daddy’s gonna buy you nothing at all.
For if your house is suddenly robbed,
Daddy’s gonna lose his prestigious job.
And if he finds consumerism unfulfillling,
He’ll drag you into a lifestyle that you may not be willing (to participate in).
And if his former life proves hauntingly empty,
Daddy’s gonna convert to a bogus fringe religion in some ridiculous proto-Wiccan ceremony.
And if he’s taught to please himself at the expense of other people’s lives,
Daddy’s gonna marry and emotionally subjugate several wives.
And if his communal life proves crappy,
Daddy’s gonna continually pretend to be happy.
And if his lies corrupt his soul,
Daddy’s gonna have nowhere else to go.
And if Daddy can’t take solace in possessions, popular mysticism, sexual promiscuity, the pressures of living with a young family, religion, a career, social furtherance, and all the trappings of modern life especially including material wealth,
Daddy’s most likely gonna hang himself.
And unless you’re immediately put up for adoption,
This really doesn’t leave you with a great many options.

One Man Went To Mow (in Bosnia)

One man went to mow, went to mow a meadow,
One man and his dog, went to mow a meadow.
Two men went to mow, went to mow a meadow,
Two fairly similar men and one of their dogs, went to mow a meadow.
Three men went to mow, went to mow a meadow,
One different man with some slightly odd political views, and the second man from the lines above, and the original man and his dog, went to mow a meadow.
Four men went to mow, went to mow a meadow,
Two men with the same basic views on life who were opposed to the two original men and the dog, went to mow a meadow.
Five men went to mow, went to mow a meadow,
One man with an uncanny talent for demagoguery who went around with the last two men drumming up hatred for the original two on the basis of their political and religious identities, and their dog, went to mow a meadow.
Fifteen men went to mow, went to mow a meadow,
Seven men on opposing sides who managed to split the field because of a dispute over dwindling agricultural resources, and probably several dogs at this point, went to mow a meadow.
Fifty men went to occupy, went to occupy a meadow,
Roughly equal numbers on each side fought a pitched battle in which many people were gravely wounded over little more than a territorial dispute enlarged by irrational fears and hatreds on both sides which was eventually won by the original owners of the field who drove away their competitors, repaired the broken land and continued, with the help of their dog, to mow the meadow.
A nation went to war, went to war over meadows,
And huge atrocities on both sides resulted in millions of casualties even with the intervention of more powerful countries, which resulted in the partitioning of two nations, oddly and some might say cruelly mirroring the original smaller conflict in the meadow.

One dog went to rest, went to rest in a meadow.
One dog and several hundred pointlessly dead people, went to rest in a meadow.

It is highly unfortunate
That the meadow is full of landmines.

That one was a tad more dark than usual. Sorry, anyone.


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