18 May

Since it appears that I’m the sort of person who allows himself to be profoundly discouraged from various tasks by even the slightest sequence of setbacks (and will fill his blog with posts advertising this fact to the Internet at large), I thought I’d try what is apparently the inverse of positive reinforcement and remind myself of all the terrible things I have so far failed to do. Here’s a list, then.

I have never:

  • committed any serious forms of fraud
  • caused a fire of over six metres in scale
  • uttered an oath stronger than “wanker” to a pensioner or clergyman
  • deliberately harmed any creature larger than, say, a goat
  • succumbed to the nagging desire to flee civilisation and live as a beast out in the headlands
  • caused significant damage to a listed building
  • scrawled vulgar witticisms onto a toilet cubicle, bus ceiling or insufficiently attentive person
  • caused a friend to mislay more than £1600 in personal funds
  • abandoned a small child in the middle of a foreign city without a guidebook
  • muttered unkind words about unhelpful public service personnel more than sixteen times a day
  • been prosecuted for the physical assault of a particularly recalcitrant double-glazing salesman
  • caused a stranger to suffer more than sixteen broken bones through acts of sabotage
  • subjected a person to a withering barrage of personal insults that caused them to break down in public and attempt to commit suicide
  • been convicted of. and subsequently punished for, the crime of defecating in the courtyard of an old peoples’ home
  • forced a person at gunpoint to read the complete works of William Topaz McGonagall*
  • deliberately served an irritating acquaintance a meal containing more than six milligrams of strychnine
  • wasted the time of more than five hundred people through their reading of this blog

It’s always good to know you’re not a total scumbag. See you next week.

* (…who was possibly the worst professional poet in the history of the English language. And it was at knifepoint – I’m not fucking rich, you know.)


One Response to “Anti-chievements”

  1. laubrau May 18, 2011 at 2:06 am #

    It just so happens I was lurking here right as you posted. Hivemind, or stalker?
    Coincidentally, I have scrawled vulgar witticisms on a toilet cubicle, bus ceiling AND insufficiently attentive person. Not all in one afternoon though, I’m not fucking Lance Armstrong.

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