Mental Answering Machine, or Why I Haven’t Written Anything in Ages

6 Aug

Hello! You have reached the brain of Jimmy. Apologies, but the Occupant cannot recieve your communication right now, as he is busy. Professional courtesy dictates that, since you’ve been good enough to attempt to contact the Occupant, this message should explain exactly why he’s busy and with what business; but unraveling that twisted stream of events would eat up more time than is generally considered polite. Nevertheless, he probably appreciates your attention and will in all likelihood recieve your substance at a more convenient time.

If you are a stray particle of inspiration, press 1 to reach the Great Ideas Bank. There’s no queue. We’re positive.
If you are a lingering doubt, a disturbing thought or a creeping, nameless fear, press 2 to join the Negativity Trail. The primal quality of your particular disturbance will be absorbed into the howling depths of the Cerebral Vortex as soon as your place in the line is reached. Unfortunately, since this department has been particularly busy for several years now, you may have to wait for… just a little bit.
If you are a religious experience or a spark of spiritual awakening, please press 3 and hold the line while we put you through to one of our Cynicism Technicians. Be sure to have empirical evidence and several objective arguments at the ready, or you may be subconsciously disconnected. We are aware that evidence and argument are generally ‘not the way it works’. Again, apologies for the inconvenience.
If you are the recursive echo of a post-imaginary, psycho-philosophical dream-construct, press 4 to access the switchboard of the Useless Gibberish department.
If you are a steady stream of alcohol winding its way deftly through the meninges, press 5 to contact Sub-Arachnoid Customs. By entering the brain, you agree that advance signals may be sent to toxin technicians in Liver and coordination controllers in Musculature in order to inform them of your swift and delicious arrival.
We’re sorry to say that, under advice from Higher Functions, the Hindbrain has stopped taking calls at this stage.
If you have an inquiry that is not covered by this list, please remain in the spinal column until we decide to deal with you. Remember, your intellectual substance is almost certainly important to us, unless it isn’t, but it’s not like we can just keep you bastards out, is it?



2 Responses to “Mental Answering Machine, or Why I Haven’t Written Anything in Ages”

  1. cathmor0 May 31, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

    Yes I realise this is a pretty old post. I also remember noting how you wrote so wonderfully when I stumbled on this site.
    I especially liked how I will be waiting in a spinal canal for your return to writing on this blog.
    OK. that’s probably a delusional hope. Oh wait, is hope delusional anyway?
    Well, if so, that was redundant.

    • jackproclaim June 10, 2013 at 10:21 pm #

      Thank you! It’s great to know someone enjoys my tomfoolery. I’m afraid this blog is somewhat dead, yes, but if you go to and, uh, wait a few months until I actually get off my arse and write something, your hopes might be fulfilled.

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