The Life Anticlimactic

4 Jan

Well, I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do.

  • I’m not going to feed you some bullshit about how busy I’ve been in the last three months or so. I have done exactly two strenuous things since September: I moved into a new house on or around the fifteenth (it turns out time is just as difficult to keep track of when you’re sober), and then about three weeks later I completed a brace of 2000-word essays in a single weekend. The rest of the time has been devoured by, in descending order of magnitude; housemate drama, not doing important uni research, eating, not drinking (until two weeks ago), drinking (in the last two weeks), streamed television, Skyrim, and staring blankly at the wall. I am a shiftless layabout and
  • I will not apologise for that fact, but I will set myself a challenge. If I’m to have any writing skill at all before the sun expands and devours the planet, I’m going to have to get a move on with actually writing something. Unfortunately, last year I fell into the old, comfortable exigological trap of thinking “I’m crap at this, so I won’t bother continuing” (no, it isn’t a real word). This is a stupid, unreasonable thing to tell oneself, but it’s deceptively easy to go along with. I know myself too well to hope that making a brand new, idealistic promise at the start of the year will actually work. If I leave it to myself, then there’s a very good chance that
  • I won’t write anything at all. As the corruption of the old saying goes, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can only make it drink if you subject it to a series of horrific punishments and make it clear that only by drinking can he make it stop“. I was stuck as to how I might apply this timeless axiom to my own life until a recent spate of texts to a certain vlogstress made it clear – I am absolutely terrified of attention of any kind, so what more humiliating punishment can there be but a, well, a humiliating punishment which is then filmed and posted online?
  • I won’t go into the manifold ways this idea scares me; I will simply state the rules, here and now:

I, Jimmy Liar of Jimmy Liar obscurity, will write at least one piece of decently-sized and hopefully entertaining work, to be posted on the aforementioned blog, in every week of 2012. If I do not write and post such a piece of work in a given week (i.e., before 23:59 on Sunday), I will rely on my audience (ha) to suggest to me a punishment, which I will then undertake, film, and post to Youtube. If I do not do this thing, may be heart and lungs be cut out, blitzed in an industrial meat processing unit, and baked into a delicious souffle for Delia Smith’s new BBC series, “Devouring The Flesh Of The Unworthy on the Cheap”.

Oh, and I’m counting this as my first one. They’ll be longer, I promise.

– j

(It’s all kicking off here, incidentally.)


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